Tag Archives: finding a therapist

September 7, 2012 · 3:10 pm

Elections and Wellness – an oxymoron?

I don’t know if it’s really possible to write a wellness post about an election, but I’m going to try.

I am struck by the attacks, negativity, fear, and blame that fills the convention speeches and the political ads, and the partisan rhetoric from much of the media while cloaking it in the name of news.  And I believe it is pervasive on both sides.

I am concerned about the energy all this spewing puts into our emotional environment.  We are surrounded by words and ideas aimed at creating fear and defensive responses.  Public relations /Advertising research shows that negative messages work. Why? Because they grab our attention where it is most sensitive and highly developed – responding to perceived threats.  So election of each candidate is described by the other as “the worst thing that could happen to -,” “the collapse of ­­–,” “the destruction of ­–,”  and so on. You get the picture.  We aren’t being asked to elect a president who will lead us reasonably and with good intentions.  We are being called to protect our families from ruin, death, and destruction.

To make matters worse, the claims of pending disaster have been accompanied by statements of “fact” that are clearly distorted, if not entirely fabricated. Why?  Because when humans are on alert for their safety, they tend to remember the information that comes with the threat.  You can always take back a false statement, maybe even apologize publicly for it.  But the original content remains in the mind of the listener, connected to the threat that accompanied it.

It saddens me to see that we as citizens and consumers accept these practices;  that we allow – perhaps even require our politicians to attack each other with lies and catastrophic predictions.  We reward this system by watching and contributing to the campaigns and PACs championing our cause. We have grown as desensitized to ranting politicians and media personalities as we have to the violence of today’s video games, television shows, and movies.   It has become normal. When did we lose all attempt to keep the claims truthful, to base our competition on true differences, and to welcome differences as something we can learn from?

My greatest concern is that this environment of fear and anger creates an emotional environment detrimental to our individual and collective wellbeing. What kind of energy are we creating in this country?  Our moods, our thoughts, our physical well-being respond to positive and negative input.  Do we truly believe that all this negativity has no impact on us?  I don’t.

There is significant research showing the varied impact of external stimuli on our brain waves, and consequently our mood, thoughts, and behaviors.   In the same way, we respond to negative words, negative moods, angry tones of voice, an intimidating presence, and threats of harm. Cooperation decreases, satisfaction decreases, creativity declines.  At a time when the U.S. needs to channel its accumulated wisdom, creativity, and cooperation to addressing the needs of the country and its people, we are engaged in vilifying those that disagree with us, building walls between groups that need to cooperate, and cultivating agitation.

We need to calmly collect ourselves and engage in meaningful problem solving. Our wellbeing depends on an internal sense of being able to creatively cope with the difficulties life presents: recognizing we can change some things and survive others. Seeing the world or the future as only a choice between annihilation and success creates an environment of unceasing tension and anxiety.  It is time to move from a fear-based view to a competency-based view, assured we can find solutions through cooperation, creativity, wisdom, and practice.

Think about turning off all political ads, not just the ones for the candidate you don’t support.  Turn off your candidate’s ads, too.  You do not need that negative energy in your life. You need support, rest, opportunity, creativity, and peace.  Vote for the candidate that will contribute to your well-being.

Be Well, Take care.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I will be required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please let me know. I will attempt to address them if I can.

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August 9, 2012 · 10:15 am

Holding On And Letting Go

I was preparing the house for visitors the other day, and had decided I needed to thin out the “stuff” around, on, and in my desk.  As I sorted into shred, recycle, file piles, I reflected on how much “stuff” I have, how much comes in each day, and how it seems to be harder to dispose of than to accumulate. These experiences aren’t just restricted to miscellaneous paperwork, or material items. They also occur emotionally. How much do I hold on to that is neither necessary nor helpful?

I grew up feeling like I needed to always be prepared to defend my feelings and behaviors.  I gathered evidence and stored in memory details of nearly everything, in case I needed to explain something later. Imagine an 8-year-old CSI agent.  It wasn’t ok to take a position without being able to explain why, so I learned to present my cases in a way any jury could understand.  Sometimes I overwhelmed others with my explanations of why I liked something. I remember as a new professional trying to identify accurately and completely why I didn’t like some wallpaper sample suggested by a designer for my new office.  Finally she said, “I don’t need to know why. I just need to know if you like it or not.  It helps me narrow down the selections to offer.”  What a concept!  My likes and dislikes provided information about me.  It wasn’t a contest or a test. There were no right or wrong answers.  I did not need to justify my preferences. They were … my preferences.  I began to let go of the explanations and the attempts to justify, and began to recognize and accept that I had preferences. It was ok to recognize and express them.  It was actually helpful to be aware of what I liked and didn’t like.  It saved time when sorting through options.

When it comes to stacks of emotional paperwork, I used to have a more difficult time sorting them than with actual paper.  It was difficult to let things go.  Painful, hurtful memories were as likely to be held on to as were the moments of joy, peace, and belonging.  A loved one of mine often kept her painful reminders readily available, literally as well as virtually.  At times of distress, she would say, “ Did I ever share that terrible hurtful letter my neighbor sent me long ago?”  She would remove it from an envelope in her desk and read the hurtful shaming remarks again – reopening her wounds.  Why would someone do that – relive the injury? Perhaps to feel the pain anew as punishment or as a reminder to not be “too happy,” or as a reminder she was alive, or as a way to feel something again- anything, even if only shame.  I don’t know her reasons. I’m pretty sure the process reinforced her critical view of herself. I know there must have been a better ways to emotionally care for herself.

Re-living slights, shame, or emotional pain does not necessarily help us grow or thrive. We have to learn to sort through and discard experiences that do not support our health and wellbeing. It is difficult to do without practice.   It’s like going through your sock drawer. Black socks might be good to have – but do you need 6 pair, the pair with the heel torn out, the pair that no longer fits, or the pair that hurts your feet whenever you wear them? You get the point. Keep what is useful, keep what you love, and keep what helps you become the person you strive to be. Recycle or discard the ones that no longer work for you.  Let go of them after they have served their purpose.

Holding on to your pain may be helpful for a while, but when it has outlived its usefulness, let it go.  Many processes have been developed for releasing negative energy from your life. They include things like burning the items and watching the concrete and material become air, burning paper with the items identified on it, Casting the virtual items into the sea or the wind, creating a vault where they pain can be locked inside and then buried, releasing balloons.  You probably have releasing visualizations/ rituals of your own.  The important action is to intentionally release the pain and its associated memories. Thinking negatively is a habit that requires an effort to change.

Hold on to your moments of peace, belonging, and recognizing all is right for the moment.   Keep them available to you to draw from when you are distressed.  Practice breathing, holding on and letting go of the breath.  It will make a difference.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

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Filed under childhood trauma, counseling, emotional healing, healing, mental health, Penny Milczewski, psychotherapy, PTSD, therapy

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June 19, 2012 · 8:58 pm

Therapy: What it is and What it isn’t

Whether you call the process Therapy or Counseling, there are many misconceptions about it. I don’t pretend to know all the issues, but there are several I have run across – as a seeker and as a provider.

Your therapist cannot “fix” you. First, this assumes you need fixing, and secondly, it assumes the repair work is completed by someone else.  Healing from loss or trauma is a process that you take on.  Changing  behaviors that create barriers to your happiness takes a process of awareness and practice. In therapy, you choose a guide to assist you with the processes. Remember, the answers are within you and your therapist helps you find them – your solutions, not theirs. As you engage in a relationship with your provider, your patterns of interacting with others rise to the surface. So do the relationship behaviors of the provider (more about that in another post).

Your therapist is not your friend.  You are not paying for friendship. This seems to be an accusation that comes from others who for reasons of their own, need to discourage your healing experience. Your relationship with your provider has specific boundaries regarding when and where you meet, and has a specific purpose – to guide you in identifying and achieving your emotional  or relationship goals, or to relieve your symptoms of distress. Friendships are reciprocal in a way that counseling relationships are not.  Both parties have roles, but they are not the same as friends.  Don’t call your therapist for a ride after dropping your car off at the dealer’s, and don’t expect to be invited to their summer barbecue.

The actual rigidity of professional boundaries is affected by many things, including the size of community you live in. Living in Seattle, you might never even see your provider out of the office. If you do, they might not acknowledge you unless you have indicated a connection first.  In a much smaller community, you may interact frequently, sharing the kids’ soccer field, the grocery store, church, or even social groups. Not acknowledging you in public in this setting might be viewed as “snubbing.” How you prefer to deal with these situations will probably be a session discussion topic. Whether in a small or large community, you have the right to have your professional relationship kept confidential if that is what you prefer. No matter the setting, sexual relationships and providers using the therapy relationship for personal gain are never appropriate.

When I say that your counselor is not your friend, I don’t mean they do not care about you. It is a relationship and a collaboration. My experience is that providers share consumers’ successes and concerns.  Depending on treatment orientation, your therapist may have accepted the responsibility of modeling nurturing behaviors such as acceptance, encouragement, and responsiveness. They expect to care about you.

Paying for assistance does not reduce its value. You have chosen to engage in a relationship with a specific purpose. For the provider, this specific purpose is a professional service. You are paying for the education, training, and experience of your provider, as you would a doctor, mechanic, or plumber. Remember, in this process, you are the buyer and you have a right to choose the service you get. You are not obligated to “stick it out” if  you are unhappy with the provider or the process. Ask for what you need.  There is nothing wrong with looking for  a provider and a methodology that works for you, or with changing providers and methodologies after you have started.

The credentials of your provider do not indicate relative competency or quality of care. There are several paths into the profession of psychotherapy.  These include several master’s level degrees, nurse practitioners, PhD’s and MD’s. Other than the ability to prescribe medications, Psychiatrists (MD’s with specialized training) and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners (Registered Nurses with specialized training and experience) do not necessarily have more counseling expertise. Many have less counseling /talk therapy training than the others.  Clinical psychologists in Washington State have to have academic doctoral degrees and pass a licensing exam. Some states allow folks with Master’s degrees to be licensed as psychologists, and some states permit psychologists limited prescribing authority.  Psychologists also do not necessarily have more counseling training or experience.  They are often valued for their testing and assessment credentials.  Master’s level degrees in social work, psychology, and counseling also offer entry into counseling.  If you are looking for a therapist, explore their training and experience in the areas of concern you have. Above all, ask yourself after an interaction, ” Is this someone I could work with?”

Sometimes, the most difficult aspect of participating in therapy is the reactions of the people closest to you: The mother who believes she will be blamed for all your sorrows; The friend who wants your time and attention; The spouse who is afraid your therapist will tell you to leave your marriage; or the person who thinks you should just “buck up.”

The goal of therapy is positive change. Change is difficult for most people  – even good change, so there may resistance on your part and from the people around you. Try to be accepting and patient with yourself and with them.

This is a journey of self discovery and healing.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see your emotional expressions.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

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June 12, 2012 · 10:07 am

Toe in the Water

As a child living in the Pacific Northwest along the cold waters of Puget Sound, I learned to swim.  I had two primary sites for learning: Quartermaster Harbor on Vashon Island, and a big cement swimming pool filled with mountain spring well water at my Grandparents’ in Tacoma.  It wasn’t until I started teaching boating safety classes that I realized that nearly my entire childhood swimming experience was conducted in the early stages of hyperthermia – blue lips, chattering teeth, progressing to numbness in the feet and full body shivers. It was very difficult to ease into the water slowly.  Everyone seemed to endorse the plunge approach. Anyone testing the water with their toe or attempting to enter a pool using the ladder or steps was considered cowardly and unlikely to ever complete the task.

Some folks look at therapy or counseling in the same way (All or nothing), and that approach probably keeps many from ever being able to truly use the process in a way that helps them.  It is okay to stick your toe in, and decide whether to proceed a little more or withdraw. No one has to leap in or be in the deep end rather than the shallow.   The process of working on your own emotional wellness, of relieving your distress, needs to be at your pace, and in an emotional environment that is safe.  A therapist that takes on the role of the bully, and throws you in the deep-end to sink or swim is not honoring you.  You might survive, but you are unlikely to continue to use the techniques you employed, at least use them with pleasure and confidence.

Just as our emotional distress is highly unique and personal, so is our path to recovery. There is no single approach, technique, method, or set of exercises that is helpful to everyone. It is okay to try different therapies. There will be a therapist that can help, but it might not be the first one you meet. Try not to assess your potential for recovery based on a poor experience.

Today there are all kinds of ways to explore therapy approaches: audio books, videos, U-Tube, reading, attending public presentations, workshops, health fairs, and many more.  It is okay to shop. I believe (and there is research to support) that the key element in a successful counseling /therapy experience is the relationship between the therapist and the client. (Please substitute whatever word you feel comfortable with to describe the person seeking therapy – patient, client, consumer, seeker, student – the words used seem to vary based primarily on provider experience and training.) After years in social services, I referred to the people I worked with as clients, then after 10 years in a medical clinic, I found myself referring to them as patients. Mental Health Advocates seem to prefer consumer. I will probably shift among the various titles as I write.  The key point is that you – the seeker of service – are the one in control of the relationship, not the provider. You (or your insurance, employer, or taxes) are paying for a service. And within your provider’s boundaries, you are entitled to manage the level of intensity, the frequency, the content, and the direction of your care.

Identifying and challenging your fears, doubts, pain or sorrow is not easy. You won’t necessarily be comfortable all the time, but it is essential that you trust you will be safe, and that you can stop or slow down  when you feel overwhelmed.

There are also online options for testing the water.  Visit blogs or websites that have questions and answers with therapists.  This is not therapy, but you can get a feel for how different people approach identifying problems and solutions.  In some cases, there may even be an opportunity to transition into a therapy relationship with the person.  Remember, it is your treatment. You can approach it in the way that fits you. You will need to stretch your comfort zone at times for growth to occur, but you can also approach slowly and move in a little at a time.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address them if I can.

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June 7, 2012 · 1:39 pm

Where to begin?

I suppose everyone starts off similarly. Sometimes taking the first step (leap?) is the hardest thing.  That may be a common theme in this blog, because seeking psychotherapy to help with sadness, anxiety, relationships, trauma, big decisions, or general unhappiness with your life is often hard to start.  So is  shaping and building a therapy practice. That will be my primary focus: the process of healing through psychotherapy, written for the consumer and the provider.

Before we tackle the many aspects of these concerns, I want to let you know a little more about me and what I hope this blog will be.  This is not a therapy-client relationship.  You and I do not have the privacy nor containment that a therapy relationship usually requires.  I hope to identify and address common concerns, hopes, and fears that seekers bring to the search for a helper. For the content to be more meaningful to my readers, I intend to disclose more personal information than you would usually see in a therapy relationship.  I hope this disclosure will assist in understanding the complexities of the therapeutic relationship.  I also want other therapists to see examples of how our own histories and personalities affect the context of our services. So for the record, I am neither your therapist nor your clinical supervisor. I hope I can be a guide, an advisor, and a supporter in whatever journey to healing you take.  I am glad to address specific issues if I can, so feel free to ask questions or make comments.  Published comments will be managed to prevent inappropriate content being posted.

I am a baby boomer – class of ’46. I recently retired from a therapy practice in a Native American Tribal Health Clinic.  I had a private practice for 20 years, and worked in a community where I was well-known and in one with no contacts at all.   My primary emphasis was trauma and attachment issues for adults and children.  My favorite clients were 4 – 5 year-old boys (They are so “in the moment”), but I thrived on a mix of children and adults, and grew to appreciate the complexities of Gay and lesbian relationships, childhood trauma, traumatic injury recovery, chronic  treatment-resistant depression and anxiety.  I supported my practice in lean times working in family courts providing Guardian ad Litem and parent-child evaluations. Before starting my private practice in 1985, I  worked 16 years in Washington State’s social service programs. Before moving into children’s services program development and administration, I worked as a juvenile parole counselor,  child protective service caseworker, child welfare/ foster care caseworker, foster home recruiter and licensor. The last 10 years with the Department of Social and Health Services, I worked in policy development and administration, leaving as the DSHS Deputy Regional Administrator in central Washington. Although I worked for the same agency 16  years, I held a variety of jobs. I like change and challenge. I don’t usually like surprises.

Raised in a chaotic family of 5 children born within 6 years and two alcoholic parents, I developed a passion for rules, regulations, and predictability. I have worked hard to incorporate and enjoy spontaneity. While I still have difficulty going against the directional arrows in a vacant parking lot, I am much more at ease with hanging loose and having fun.  I am fiercely competitive in games, but a stickler for playing by the rules. Deep down, I want everything to make sense and am frequently frustrated by the “craziness” of organizational and governmental politics. I find the older I get, the grumpier I am about things that bother me.

At the same time, I am warm and generous.  I can be funny and fun to be with. I love to read, to laugh, and to be on the water – boating, kayaking, or dock-sitting. I love the lush greenery and vast seas of western Washington’s marine climate, but miss the blue skies, summer heat, and winter snow of central Washington. I am creative and express this with sculpting, gardening, ideas, and words.

When it comes to mental health care, I am a believer that the individual has within them the keys to healing their pain and distress; that therapists serve as guides – not directors. I believe emotional healing is a journey, and while therapists may have been on many journeys before, each path is unique and must be carved out by the individual.  The therapist brings experience in survival and, like any skilled guide, has tools to assist. But they cannot lead the way because they do not know the path. I also believe that there is no single path, no “right” answer for any given personal goal.  All paths will lead to healing. Some choices make those paths much longer and more difficult, but they all offer a way to emotional health.

So that’s my story in a big nutshell.  What I hope to do here is to guide you in addressing your distress; to help you make a connection with a therapist if that’s what you are seeking: to share my experience in life and therapy in ways that might be helpful to both seekers and providers of therapy; and to figure out how this incredible mode of electronic communication can benefit the process.

Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I will be required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please let me know. I will attempt to address them if I can.

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