Category Archives: relationship

November 24, 2013 · 4:28 pm

Back on Track

It is amazing that the year has flown by and I haven’t written since March. Now it’s time for another Holiday Season. I’m not sure what happened, except that I continued to feel angry at the political climate in this country and at the politicians. I grew up in a time when we were taught, if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything. Maybe that has been operating, because I haven’t had a lot of nice things to say. Or maybe I have been trying to avoid my feelings of anger and frustration, and did not want to raise the issues again, or maybe I have been frustrated by wanting to keep my topics non-political, since my training as a mental health counselor and as a mediator has spent so much time on maintaining neutrality, that I have not wanted to compromise that. I don’t feel neutral. I have strong feelings and opinions. I’m just not sure they are compatible with my intention for this blog – that it be a resource for people exploring their feelings and relationships, not mine.

Politically, I am a liberal or a progressive.  I feel our taxes should be used to protect and support our people. I want people to discuss issues and compromise on workable solutions. I am willing to pay taxes for schools and police and medical services. I do not believe that feeding the hungry causes poverty or sloth.  I don’t believe policies that are legislated by a majority are tyranny.  I am concerned that our political practices are becoming more divisive more self-serving than ever.  I am saddened by the followings that self-serving people spewing hate and prejudice have built, somehow reinforcing the concept that “if you disagree with me, then there is something terribly wrong with you.”

How do we rebuild an environment where people can disagree, discuss their differences, identify the issues that can be agreed to, and seek some resolution that considers both views? We need to move forward in this country, in a way that recognizes the needs of all, and with solutions that consider those.  Instead legislators continue to be willing to cause great harm, even when there is nothing to gain. The sequestration – a solution deemed to dire for anyone to reasonable consider – and the shutdown were irresponsible. If our elected leaders cannot resolve their differences and work toward solutions that serve the people, they need to be replaced with people who will strive to serve – not just obstruct.

We live in an incredible place. Our geography is varied, our resources plenty. Still, our laws and policies favor adding to the wealth of those with resources and increasing the deprivations of those with little.  Are baby-boomers going to be the last generation with a middle-class?  I hope not.

I am grateful to be American, to live in a community that is beautiful, and that usually works toward serving the needs of its people.  I am grateful that my work was satisfying, and that my retirement is possible because of the social systems in place while I was working and now. I feel responsible for continuing to support caring for the poor. I am grateful I have the means to pay taxes, and to purchase the insurance I need for medical care.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to work with many great professionals and to serve great people. I love meeting children and adults years after our working relationship, and see them thriving.  That is the true reward of my work.

I am grateful to approach 70 with few complications and a sense of wonder.  It astounds me.

This week, our nation will gather for Thanksgiving. And while there are still many wrongs to be righted, and battles to be fought, I approach it with a hope that we will find our path again – one toward compassion combined with hard work, a sense of personal accountability and responsibility, tempered with good will.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

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Filed under behavior, change, emotional healing, habits, healing, patterns, problem solving, relationship, self-care, wellbeing

December 11, 2012 · 7:31 pm

Discomfort and Joy – the Holidays

Zowie, I lost track of time. I informally made a commitment to myself that I would post weekly, then things got busy, and I gave myself permission to go to 2 weeks. Then a month – now two.  I have been thinking about writing- even started several posts in my head, but of course you wouldn’t know that. How could you? I have been sticking with my food plan and 13 weeks in I have lost 30 pounds.  I wish I could tell you I had met my goal, but alas it’s further down the road.

The holiday season – the dreaded, beloved, often anticipated (not always happily) holiday season. The ambivalence that accompanied the holidays exists for many people- fond memories of happier times, or maybe frightening memories of terrible times, realizations of hopes unmet, gratefulness, sadness, the joy of feeling childlike, the helpless dread of feeling childlike. These all occur for me as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve approach.

Like many adult children of alcoholics, I remember Christmas as a time when the fun and excitement was often dampened by sullen drunkenness, broken promises, someone sleeping it off, or being belligerent. It was a time when parents fought about money. I don’t remember my parents fighting about spending the holidays with my mother’s large family, but my father always refused to go.  That didn’t stop us. I don’t think my maternal cousins knew my dad at all, even though my parents didn’t divorce until their youngest were in junior high. And yet – I still looked forward to it, hoped for the best – that everyone would be happy.

As an adult I often had a dread of not being good enough in my planning, my cooking, my dressing, my gift-giving, whatever… You name it and I worried that it wouldn’t be “right.” It was hard to relax and enjoy times with friends and family. It was hard to play while keeping a watchful eye on all the possibilities that could go wrong.

I am grateful now that most of those fears are gone. One thing that surviving into your sixties does is to give you perspective. There is no turkey so dry or roast beef so rare that a meal needs to be ruined.  There is no need for finances to dampen the joy of being together with people who love you and whom you love.  There is also no need to do that on December 24 or 25, if those days don’t work for you.  The world doesn’t collapse if there is no Christmas tree or if outdoor lights don’t go up or come down on schedule. Or if you don’t get all those different cookies baked.

We have continually increased the commercial demands in the U.S. for this season to be filled with material things. In 1969, pregnant with our first child, I wrote a Christmas song that began “Hot Wheels and Barbie dolls…Visa or Mastercard,” and ended with “where is the baby that lies in the manger?” That was 43 years ago. I was dismayed then at all the commercials and focus on buying things. The products have multiplied geometrically. Instead of growing wiser as a nation, we have focused more on having things to demonstrate our well-being. Things, not peace, justice, serenity, or joy.  That’s what I want for Christmas and for the new year, and if it has any chance of happening, I need to do my part.

My challenge for this season is to urge all the political contributors (the donors of more than $2 billion in the presidential campaign alone) to match their campaign and PAC contributions with donations to charity.  If that happens, 2013 could be a very good year.

Peace to you all

Take Care and Be Well

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

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Filed under behavior, change, childhood trauma, emotional healing, habits, healing, mental health, patterns, Penny Milczewski, relationship, self-care, wellbeing

September 7, 2012 · 3:10 pm

Elections and Wellness – an oxymoron?

I don’t know if it’s really possible to write a wellness post about an election, but I’m going to try.

I am struck by the attacks, negativity, fear, and blame that fills the convention speeches and the political ads, and the partisan rhetoric from much of the media while cloaking it in the name of news.  And I believe it is pervasive on both sides.

I am concerned about the energy all this spewing puts into our emotional environment.  We are surrounded by words and ideas aimed at creating fear and defensive responses.  Public relations /Advertising research shows that negative messages work. Why? Because they grab our attention where it is most sensitive and highly developed – responding to perceived threats.  So election of each candidate is described by the other as “the worst thing that could happen to -,” “the collapse of ­­–,” “the destruction of ­–,”  and so on. You get the picture.  We aren’t being asked to elect a president who will lead us reasonably and with good intentions.  We are being called to protect our families from ruin, death, and destruction.

To make matters worse, the claims of pending disaster have been accompanied by statements of “fact” that are clearly distorted, if not entirely fabricated. Why?  Because when humans are on alert for their safety, they tend to remember the information that comes with the threat.  You can always take back a false statement, maybe even apologize publicly for it.  But the original content remains in the mind of the listener, connected to the threat that accompanied it.

It saddens me to see that we as citizens and consumers accept these practices;  that we allow – perhaps even require our politicians to attack each other with lies and catastrophic predictions.  We reward this system by watching and contributing to the campaigns and PACs championing our cause. We have grown as desensitized to ranting politicians and media personalities as we have to the violence of today’s video games, television shows, and movies.   It has become normal. When did we lose all attempt to keep the claims truthful, to base our competition on true differences, and to welcome differences as something we can learn from?

My greatest concern is that this environment of fear and anger creates an emotional environment detrimental to our individual and collective wellbeing. What kind of energy are we creating in this country?  Our moods, our thoughts, our physical well-being respond to positive and negative input.  Do we truly believe that all this negativity has no impact on us?  I don’t.

There is significant research showing the varied impact of external stimuli on our brain waves, and consequently our mood, thoughts, and behaviors.   In the same way, we respond to negative words, negative moods, angry tones of voice, an intimidating presence, and threats of harm. Cooperation decreases, satisfaction decreases, creativity declines.  At a time when the U.S. needs to channel its accumulated wisdom, creativity, and cooperation to addressing the needs of the country and its people, we are engaged in vilifying those that disagree with us, building walls between groups that need to cooperate, and cultivating agitation.

We need to calmly collect ourselves and engage in meaningful problem solving. Our wellbeing depends on an internal sense of being able to creatively cope with the difficulties life presents: recognizing we can change some things and survive others. Seeing the world or the future as only a choice between annihilation and success creates an environment of unceasing tension and anxiety.  It is time to move from a fear-based view to a competency-based view, assured we can find solutions through cooperation, creativity, wisdom, and practice.

Think about turning off all political ads, not just the ones for the candidate you don’t support.  Turn off your candidate’s ads, too.  You do not need that negative energy in your life. You need support, rest, opportunity, creativity, and peace.  Vote for the candidate that will contribute to your well-being.

Be Well, Take care.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I will be required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please let me know. I will attempt to address them if I can.

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July 5, 2012 · 11:50 am

Reminders and Changes

Sunday was my mother’s birthday. At least it would have been, if she were still living.  She died in 2008 when she was 88 years old.  It is strange to be the oldest generation now in the family, something we babyboomers never really anticipated.  Maybe no generation expects to get to a time when they are the elders. Not many of us have parents, aunts, or uncles any more, even if we’re from families known for longevity.

When I think of my mother, I am reminded that many theories within the world of mental health look to mothers as the source of our health or illness. I remember my mother-in-law resisting the idea that my husband (her son) would benefit from seeing a therapist. “They all just blame the mother,” she said.  And I believe she worried that someone she never met would blame her for her son’s depression.  My mother, on the other hand, took that fear and wrapped it around her like a Kevlar jacket, preventing any inkling of contribution to anyone’s unhappiness from penetrating the shell. Once when I asked why she said such mean things about people (she had referred to a family member as a fat cow), she replied, “Because I can, and I like it.” She subscribed to the “every man for himself” theory of child rearing – even if that “man” were a toddler.   She was energetic, hard-working,  and very capable of being the center of attention.  There never was a power struggle she could walk away from. It wasn’t until I was much older and experienced  that I realized she was trying to as hard as she could to establish her place in this world.  She hated asking for help. In her experience, assistance always came with a package of shame, tied up in many strings. Asking for help meant she had failed. The person providing assistance would always know this, and could use it to maintain superiority over her.  Sometimes that person was my father: sometimes it was her father.

I believe it is true that much of our emotional development is influenced by the people who raise us, or abandon us. It is also influenced by our genetic composition, as continued DNA and gene studies show. The general circumstances of the times when we are children affect us, as witnessed by those of us raised by survivors of the Great Depression. Even the trauma of our parents or grandparents can influence the way we view the world and our place in it, as seen in families where there were survivors of the Holocaust, or colonization of the Native American, or veterans of combat.

Families and other communities create a culture that defines normalcy for its children.  Only as they explore other worlds, do developing minds and identities see alternatives.  The exposure doesn’t require travel. Those other worlds might be found at school, with friend’s families, at the elderly neighbor’s home, in books, movies, and other media.  I have always believed that my opportunity to spend extended time with my older cousin’s family allowed me to see a marriage relationship so different from my parents’, that I no longer saw theirs as the “normal,” and could have options in my relationship repertoire. I believe teachers have provided children exposure to adult-child relationships vastly different from parental ones.  I have been saddened by the increasing restrictions on teacher-child interactions resulting from reactions to isolated abuse, and to funding driven emphasis on the rote aspects of learning over the social development activities. Today’s children seem to have a group of trainers – school, soccer, piano, gymnastics. I wish there were more adult friends, teachers, and mentors.

I wanted to be a therapist so I could be a mentor, a guide, a helper to persons looking for alternatives to how they were living their emotional life.  Feeling better is much more than just changing the path you are on. It is really helpful to have an idea of where you want to go. In Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the Cheshire Cat to help her find her way. The cat replies, “Well, that depends on where you want to get to.”  Alice responds,” Oh it really doesn’t matter, as long…(as it isn’t here).” The cat’s answer? ” Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go.”  Think about what you would like the new place to be. How would you feel?  What behaviors would be different?  How would your self-talk change?  How would your relationships  be different?  With a therapist you can head toward that new place with support and guidance.   Change happens.

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Filed under childhood trauma, counseling, emotional healing, healing, mental health, Penny Milczewski, relationship, therapist, therapy

June 26, 2012 · 3:07 pm

Redefining Normal

Thinking back on my experiences as a seeker of care and a provider, I remember two big misconceptions.  “Everyone experiences what I do,” and “No one understands what I’ve been through.”  While these statements may seem to appear opposites, they easily co-exist in the belief systems of people experiencing emotional distress.  Since I grew up in an alcoholic family, I have easily identified with the movement from the 70’s and 80’s focusing on Adult Children of Alcoholics: identifying the family system, the cognitive adaptations that help your world make sense, and the internal belief systems that rise from families where there is role confusion, denial,unpredictability, and secrecy.

When you do not talk about your inner life, you have few ways to compare it to others’. I remember in my 20’s having an eye exam that showed I was very far-sighted. The doctor asked me if I had experienced seeing double when trying to read. My response was, “Of course, I do. Whenever I get tired. Doesn’t everybody?” Or in my late 30’s when the dentist asked in a standard survey, “How frequently did I have headaches?” then responded with concern when I answered 5-7 days/week. “How had I gone so long without being concerned about it?”  I thought it was “normal.” Today I look back  with gratitude that someone asked a question in a way that I could respond, which resulted in recognizing that I could have a different experience than  I had.  It wasn’t normal, everyone did not experience it the way I did, and it wasn’t necessary that I struggle with it either.

The flip side (and yet companion) of defining your personal experience as normal, is seeing yourself as abnormal – the only person who feels this way or has had this experience. Part of the benefit of the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) movement, pioneered by people like John Bradshaw, Claudia Black, Jane Middleton-Moz, and Timmen Cermak,** was that it described a developmental process and set of beliefs that large groups of people had previously identified as individually unique to them. In the same way, group therapy is often the most helpful with persons having similar trauma experiences, because the individuals see that others have had very similar feelings,  emotional or physiological responses, and common self-talk,  generated from the common experience and not from a personal deficiency or inability to cope. This exposure  to others who share your difficulties “normalizes” the experience and the person’s response, and confronts the internal view that one is somehow “not doing it right.”

Now with all that said, don’t be too concerned about “Being Normal.”  A recent post by a friend said something like, “Normal is just a setting on your washing machine.”   And when you see a therapist or counselor, and they somehow start to describe fairly accurately how you might be feeling, or thinking, or experiencing something; don’t be alarmed.  They are not reading your mind. They are discussing common experiences of many persons in similar circumstances. Experiences you might learn from.Experiences that may be common, predictable, understandable, and human… that’s normal.

** These writers were important to me.  I have not tried to be inclusive here.There are many contributors to the ACOA knowledge base and treatment approaches.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see your emotional expressions.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

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June 19, 2012 · 8:58 pm

Therapy: What it is and What it isn’t

Whether you call the process Therapy or Counseling, there are many misconceptions about it. I don’t pretend to know all the issues, but there are several I have run across – as a seeker and as a provider.

Your therapist cannot “fix” you. First, this assumes you need fixing, and secondly, it assumes the repair work is completed by someone else.  Healing from loss or trauma is a process that you take on.  Changing  behaviors that create barriers to your happiness takes a process of awareness and practice. In therapy, you choose a guide to assist you with the processes. Remember, the answers are within you and your therapist helps you find them – your solutions, not theirs. As you engage in a relationship with your provider, your patterns of interacting with others rise to the surface. So do the relationship behaviors of the provider (more about that in another post).

Your therapist is not your friend.  You are not paying for friendship. This seems to be an accusation that comes from others who for reasons of their own, need to discourage your healing experience. Your relationship with your provider has specific boundaries regarding when and where you meet, and has a specific purpose – to guide you in identifying and achieving your emotional  or relationship goals, or to relieve your symptoms of distress. Friendships are reciprocal in a way that counseling relationships are not.  Both parties have roles, but they are not the same as friends.  Don’t call your therapist for a ride after dropping your car off at the dealer’s, and don’t expect to be invited to their summer barbecue.

The actual rigidity of professional boundaries is affected by many things, including the size of community you live in. Living in Seattle, you might never even see your provider out of the office. If you do, they might not acknowledge you unless you have indicated a connection first.  In a much smaller community, you may interact frequently, sharing the kids’ soccer field, the grocery store, church, or even social groups. Not acknowledging you in public in this setting might be viewed as “snubbing.” How you prefer to deal with these situations will probably be a session discussion topic. Whether in a small or large community, you have the right to have your professional relationship kept confidential if that is what you prefer. No matter the setting, sexual relationships and providers using the therapy relationship for personal gain are never appropriate.

When I say that your counselor is not your friend, I don’t mean they do not care about you. It is a relationship and a collaboration. My experience is that providers share consumers’ successes and concerns.  Depending on treatment orientation, your therapist may have accepted the responsibility of modeling nurturing behaviors such as acceptance, encouragement, and responsiveness. They expect to care about you.

Paying for assistance does not reduce its value. You have chosen to engage in a relationship with a specific purpose. For the provider, this specific purpose is a professional service. You are paying for the education, training, and experience of your provider, as you would a doctor, mechanic, or plumber. Remember, in this process, you are the buyer and you have a right to choose the service you get. You are not obligated to “stick it out” if  you are unhappy with the provider or the process. Ask for what you need.  There is nothing wrong with looking for  a provider and a methodology that works for you, or with changing providers and methodologies after you have started.

The credentials of your provider do not indicate relative competency or quality of care. There are several paths into the profession of psychotherapy.  These include several master’s level degrees, nurse practitioners, PhD’s and MD’s. Other than the ability to prescribe medications, Psychiatrists (MD’s with specialized training) and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners (Registered Nurses with specialized training and experience) do not necessarily have more counseling expertise. Many have less counseling /talk therapy training than the others.  Clinical psychologists in Washington State have to have academic doctoral degrees and pass a licensing exam. Some states allow folks with Master’s degrees to be licensed as psychologists, and some states permit psychologists limited prescribing authority.  Psychologists also do not necessarily have more counseling training or experience.  They are often valued for their testing and assessment credentials.  Master’s level degrees in social work, psychology, and counseling also offer entry into counseling.  If you are looking for a therapist, explore their training and experience in the areas of concern you have. Above all, ask yourself after an interaction, ” Is this someone I could work with?”

Sometimes, the most difficult aspect of participating in therapy is the reactions of the people closest to you: The mother who believes she will be blamed for all your sorrows; The friend who wants your time and attention; The spouse who is afraid your therapist will tell you to leave your marriage; or the person who thinks you should just “buck up.”

The goal of therapy is positive change. Change is difficult for most people  – even good change, so there may resistance on your part and from the people around you. Try to be accepting and patient with yourself and with them.

This is a journey of self discovery and healing.

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Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see your emotional expressions.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

Leave a comment

Filed under counseling, emotional healing, healing, mental health, Penny Milczewski, psychotherapy, relationship, therapist, therapy

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