Tag Archives: depression

January 16, 2015 · 9:31 am

A Life Cut Short

Drew_Self-Portrait_2012

Drew_Self-Portrait_2012

A young friend took his life this week. He had just turned 31. He was handsome, funny, energetic, and so bright. And he was so desperate and discouraged that he could not see a future for himself in this world. He suffered from bipolar disorder and social anxiety, yet excelled in building online communities, seeing other’s needs, and identifying creative solutions to address them. Still he could not do this for himself.

Depression is insidious. It distorts memory and perception, so that one cannot recall nor foresee a time when feelings other than hopelessness and despair exist.

He had a support community: friends and family who loved him and wanted more than anything to keep him in a world of hope and acceptance. Depression refused to let them in and blocked his path out.

Suicide is not a selfish act, purposefully inflicting pain on surviving family and friends. It is not a cowardly act, demonstrating some inability to confront the future. It is not an angry act, designed to show others that they should have acted differently. It is an act of hopelessness, an act of acceptance, an act of assuming control over what feels inevitable, an act seeking relief, and often an act of removing the burden of oneself from the care of others – so the others may move on unimpeded. The emotional and thought distortion of depression creates its own world. He believed there was no other way.

There are many people today thinking they could have done something differently that would have saved him from this fate. Humans, at least in Western culture, tend to believe they can control outcomes if they just work hard enough to find the “right” answer to a problem. I know in this case, his friends and family did all they could to keep him safe.

I hope he has found peace. I hope he is in touch with his joy of riding.

Happy Trails, Drew.

When comedian/actor Robin Williams took his life last year, the nation’s attendance focused briefly on the dangers of depression and the woeful lack of appropriate response and available assistance, even to those with the means to access it. Perhaps the large response happened because so many people felt they knew this person. That has faded now. Now the pain and loss is felt one family at a time again. Nothing has changed to improve the understanding or treatment of the disease. We need to commit to addressing this.

Leave a comment

Filed under depression, healing, mental health, problem solving

Tagged as , , , , , ,

September 7, 2012 · 3:10 pm

Elections and Wellness – an oxymoron?

I don’t know if it’s really possible to write a wellness post about an election, but I’m going to try.

I am struck by the attacks, negativity, fear, and blame that fills the convention speeches and the political ads, and the partisan rhetoric from much of the media while cloaking it in the name of news.  And I believe it is pervasive on both sides.

I am concerned about the energy all this spewing puts into our emotional environment.  We are surrounded by words and ideas aimed at creating fear and defensive responses.  Public relations /Advertising research shows that negative messages work. Why? Because they grab our attention where it is most sensitive and highly developed – responding to perceived threats.  So election of each candidate is described by the other as “the worst thing that could happen to -,” “the collapse of ­­–,” “the destruction of ­–,”  and so on. You get the picture.  We aren’t being asked to elect a president who will lead us reasonably and with good intentions.  We are being called to protect our families from ruin, death, and destruction.

To make matters worse, the claims of pending disaster have been accompanied by statements of “fact” that are clearly distorted, if not entirely fabricated. Why?  Because when humans are on alert for their safety, they tend to remember the information that comes with the threat.  You can always take back a false statement, maybe even apologize publicly for it.  But the original content remains in the mind of the listener, connected to the threat that accompanied it.

It saddens me to see that we as citizens and consumers accept these practices;  that we allow – perhaps even require our politicians to attack each other with lies and catastrophic predictions.  We reward this system by watching and contributing to the campaigns and PACs championing our cause. We have grown as desensitized to ranting politicians and media personalities as we have to the violence of today’s video games, television shows, and movies.   It has become normal. When did we lose all attempt to keep the claims truthful, to base our competition on true differences, and to welcome differences as something we can learn from?

My greatest concern is that this environment of fear and anger creates an emotional environment detrimental to our individual and collective wellbeing. What kind of energy are we creating in this country?  Our moods, our thoughts, our physical well-being respond to positive and negative input.  Do we truly believe that all this negativity has no impact on us?  I don’t.

There is significant research showing the varied impact of external stimuli on our brain waves, and consequently our mood, thoughts, and behaviors.   In the same way, we respond to negative words, negative moods, angry tones of voice, an intimidating presence, and threats of harm. Cooperation decreases, satisfaction decreases, creativity declines.  At a time when the U.S. needs to channel its accumulated wisdom, creativity, and cooperation to addressing the needs of the country and its people, we are engaged in vilifying those that disagree with us, building walls between groups that need to cooperate, and cultivating agitation.

We need to calmly collect ourselves and engage in meaningful problem solving. Our wellbeing depends on an internal sense of being able to creatively cope with the difficulties life presents: recognizing we can change some things and survive others. Seeing the world or the future as only a choice between annihilation and success creates an environment of unceasing tension and anxiety.  It is time to move from a fear-based view to a competency-based view, assured we can find solutions through cooperation, creativity, wisdom, and practice.

Think about turning off all political ads, not just the ones for the candidate you don’t support.  Turn off your candidate’s ads, too.  You do not need that negative energy in your life. You need support, rest, opportunity, creativity, and peace.  Vote for the candidate that will contribute to your well-being.

Be Well, Take care.

*********

Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I will be required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please let me know. I will attempt to address them if I can.

1 Comment

Filed under emotional healing, healing, mental health, psychotherapy, relationship, wellbeing

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

August 9, 2012 · 10:15 am

Holding On And Letting Go

I was preparing the house for visitors the other day, and had decided I needed to thin out the “stuff” around, on, and in my desk.  As I sorted into shred, recycle, file piles, I reflected on how much “stuff” I have, how much comes in each day, and how it seems to be harder to dispose of than to accumulate. These experiences aren’t just restricted to miscellaneous paperwork, or material items. They also occur emotionally. How much do I hold on to that is neither necessary nor helpful?

I grew up feeling like I needed to always be prepared to defend my feelings and behaviors.  I gathered evidence and stored in memory details of nearly everything, in case I needed to explain something later. Imagine an 8-year-old CSI agent.  It wasn’t ok to take a position without being able to explain why, so I learned to present my cases in a way any jury could understand.  Sometimes I overwhelmed others with my explanations of why I liked something. I remember as a new professional trying to identify accurately and completely why I didn’t like some wallpaper sample suggested by a designer for my new office.  Finally she said, “I don’t need to know why. I just need to know if you like it or not.  It helps me narrow down the selections to offer.”  What a concept!  My likes and dislikes provided information about me.  It wasn’t a contest or a test. There were no right or wrong answers.  I did not need to justify my preferences. They were … my preferences.  I began to let go of the explanations and the attempts to justify, and began to recognize and accept that I had preferences. It was ok to recognize and express them.  It was actually helpful to be aware of what I liked and didn’t like.  It saved time when sorting through options.

When it comes to stacks of emotional paperwork, I used to have a more difficult time sorting them than with actual paper.  It was difficult to let things go.  Painful, hurtful memories were as likely to be held on to as were the moments of joy, peace, and belonging.  A loved one of mine often kept her painful reminders readily available, literally as well as virtually.  At times of distress, she would say, “ Did I ever share that terrible hurtful letter my neighbor sent me long ago?”  She would remove it from an envelope in her desk and read the hurtful shaming remarks again – reopening her wounds.  Why would someone do that – relive the injury? Perhaps to feel the pain anew as punishment or as a reminder to not be “too happy,” or as a reminder she was alive, or as a way to feel something again- anything, even if only shame.  I don’t know her reasons. I’m pretty sure the process reinforced her critical view of herself. I know there must have been a better ways to emotionally care for herself.

Re-living slights, shame, or emotional pain does not necessarily help us grow or thrive. We have to learn to sort through and discard experiences that do not support our health and wellbeing. It is difficult to do without practice.   It’s like going through your sock drawer. Black socks might be good to have – but do you need 6 pair, the pair with the heel torn out, the pair that no longer fits, or the pair that hurts your feet whenever you wear them? You get the point. Keep what is useful, keep what you love, and keep what helps you become the person you strive to be. Recycle or discard the ones that no longer work for you.  Let go of them after they have served their purpose.

Holding on to your pain may be helpful for a while, but when it has outlived its usefulness, let it go.  Many processes have been developed for releasing negative energy from your life. They include things like burning the items and watching the concrete and material become air, burning paper with the items identified on it, Casting the virtual items into the sea or the wind, creating a vault where they pain can be locked inside and then buried, releasing balloons.  You probably have releasing visualizations/ rituals of your own.  The important action is to intentionally release the pain and its associated memories. Thinking negatively is a habit that requires an effort to change.

Hold on to your moments of peace, belonging, and recognizing all is right for the moment.   Keep them available to you to draw from when you are distressed.  Practice breathing, holding on and letting go of the breath.  It will make a difference.

********

Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

4 Comments

Filed under childhood trauma, counseling, emotional healing, healing, mental health, Penny Milczewski, psychotherapy, PTSD, therapy

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

July 21, 2012 · 10:53 am

Creating and Nurturing Change

I just returned from a few days “off the grid” and have been amazed at the conflict between my desire to hold on to the feelings and mood of my respite and the pull to fall immediately into the habits and patterns I was so glad to leave behind.  I worked a little yesterday to put myself back into the tempo and peace of being back at the island park we visited. I imagined feeling the rocking of the boat, hearing the water lap the shore, the birds, the smelling the wind, the woods, and the beach. For a moment I was there, then my cell phone played its tune; I saw a virtual stack of email waiting to be sorted, read and answered; and I was reminded I need to call the appliance repairman because the refrigerator isn’t working right.  The serenity of the previous moment was gone.

Neuroscience has shown repeatedly that our imagined experiences are as “real” to our brain as our physical experiences.  We have the ability to use visualization to improve physical functioning. It takes focus and repetition, but even an athlete can improve performance by repeatedly imagining her successful moves.  This kind of practice can assist us emotionally as well as physically. Imagined experiences can also inhibit or otherwise impair our functioning.

One of the difficulties with anxiety and depression is that we create and repeat emotional scenarios that feed the fear and certainty of rejection and loss.  Our self-talk is increasingly pessimistic or critical. We lose sight of possibility, of alternative explanations, of changes toward the positive. Anxiety takes on a life of its own, so that our fear is about the feelings of anxiety, rather than the specific circumstances or triggers.  With depression, we lose memories of previous better times, and create a belief that things never were better and never will be.  But there can be change, and it can be change for the better.

I remember many years ago when visualizing and affirmations were being taught in management classes. I was a state social services administrator, and we were experiencing severe funding and staff cuts. Remaining staff members were becoming discouraged and burned-out. The agency provided a motivational speaker at a management conference, and he worked hard to pump us up.  After a morning of identifying example after example of the power of affirmations, visualizing success, and modeling success, we broke for lunch.  My director turned to me and said, “This is really good stuff. It’s just not for situations as bad as ours.”

Yes, it is. We might actually need it more than the people who use it to deal with inconvenience and discomfort. The thing is, it’s hard to do.  It’s hard to get started and it’s hard to keep practicing. It takes discipline. It takes action. It takes repetition.  It helps to have support, to share your goals, to help you see options.  But it is ok to start with just a little at a time.

Choose one thing to change: be specific, be focused.  Reward approximation when it occurs.  Approximation is the process of getting closer to what you want to have happen. Think of teaching a child to talk.  You don’t wait until they can say, “Could I have a drink of water, please?” to reward them.  WaWa or LaLa is close enough to start with. That’s approximation – you are rewarding movement toward the goal. Do the same for yourself.

********

Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I am required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you here.  If you have questions or concerns, please leave a comment. I will attempt to address the content if I can.

Leave a comment

Filed under childhood trauma, counseling, emotional healing, healing, Penny Milczewski, therapy

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

June 7, 2012 · 1:39 pm

Where to begin?

I suppose everyone starts off similarly. Sometimes taking the first step (leap?) is the hardest thing.  That may be a common theme in this blog, because seeking psychotherapy to help with sadness, anxiety, relationships, trauma, big decisions, or general unhappiness with your life is often hard to start.  So is  shaping and building a therapy practice. That will be my primary focus: the process of healing through psychotherapy, written for the consumer and the provider.

Before we tackle the many aspects of these concerns, I want to let you know a little more about me and what I hope this blog will be.  This is not a therapy-client relationship.  You and I do not have the privacy nor containment that a therapy relationship usually requires.  I hope to identify and address common concerns, hopes, and fears that seekers bring to the search for a helper. For the content to be more meaningful to my readers, I intend to disclose more personal information than you would usually see in a therapy relationship.  I hope this disclosure will assist in understanding the complexities of the therapeutic relationship.  I also want other therapists to see examples of how our own histories and personalities affect the context of our services. So for the record, I am neither your therapist nor your clinical supervisor. I hope I can be a guide, an advisor, and a supporter in whatever journey to healing you take.  I am glad to address specific issues if I can, so feel free to ask questions or make comments.  Published comments will be managed to prevent inappropriate content being posted.

I am a baby boomer – class of ’46. I recently retired from a therapy practice in a Native American Tribal Health Clinic.  I had a private practice for 20 years, and worked in a community where I was well-known and in one with no contacts at all.   My primary emphasis was trauma and attachment issues for adults and children.  My favorite clients were 4 – 5 year-old boys (They are so “in the moment”), but I thrived on a mix of children and adults, and grew to appreciate the complexities of Gay and lesbian relationships, childhood trauma, traumatic injury recovery, chronic  treatment-resistant depression and anxiety.  I supported my practice in lean times working in family courts providing Guardian ad Litem and parent-child evaluations. Before starting my private practice in 1985, I  worked 16 years in Washington State’s social service programs. Before moving into children’s services program development and administration, I worked as a juvenile parole counselor,  child protective service caseworker, child welfare/ foster care caseworker, foster home recruiter and licensor. The last 10 years with the Department of Social and Health Services, I worked in policy development and administration, leaving as the DSHS Deputy Regional Administrator in central Washington. Although I worked for the same agency 16  years, I held a variety of jobs. I like change and challenge. I don’t usually like surprises.

Raised in a chaotic family of 5 children born within 6 years and two alcoholic parents, I developed a passion for rules, regulations, and predictability. I have worked hard to incorporate and enjoy spontaneity. While I still have difficulty going against the directional arrows in a vacant parking lot, I am much more at ease with hanging loose and having fun.  I am fiercely competitive in games, but a stickler for playing by the rules. Deep down, I want everything to make sense and am frequently frustrated by the “craziness” of organizational and governmental politics. I find the older I get, the grumpier I am about things that bother me.

At the same time, I am warm and generous.  I can be funny and fun to be with. I love to read, to laugh, and to be on the water – boating, kayaking, or dock-sitting. I love the lush greenery and vast seas of western Washington’s marine climate, but miss the blue skies, summer heat, and winter snow of central Washington. I am creative and express this with sculpting, gardening, ideas, and words.

When it comes to mental health care, I am a believer that the individual has within them the keys to healing their pain and distress; that therapists serve as guides – not directors. I believe emotional healing is a journey, and while therapists may have been on many journeys before, each path is unique and must be carved out by the individual.  The therapist brings experience in survival and, like any skilled guide, has tools to assist. But they cannot lead the way because they do not know the path. I also believe that there is no single path, no “right” answer for any given personal goal.  All paths will lead to healing. Some choices make those paths much longer and more difficult, but they all offer a way to emotional health.

So that’s my story in a big nutshell.  What I hope to do here is to guide you in addressing your distress; to help you make a connection with a therapist if that’s what you are seeking: to share my experience in life and therapy in ways that might be helpful to both seekers and providers of therapy; and to figure out how this incredible mode of electronic communication can benefit the process.

Remember, this forum is not intended to be therapy.  I have no way to view your body language, hear your tone of voice, or see if your words and your displayed emotions are matching.  These are essential to effective communication and great tools for the therapist (and for the consumer when reversed.) I will attempt to be as helpful as I can. I will refer you the best I can to needed services. Even though I will not be your therapist, I am a health care professional bound by law and ethics to act to protect persons from harm. I will be required to report my concerns of  harm to self or others, and suspected abuse of children and vulnerable adults.  I am located and providing these services in Washington State.

Again, I am open to communicating directly with you through this forum.  If you have questions or concerns, please let me know. I will attempt to address them if I can.

1 Comment

Filed under healing, mental health, psychotherapy

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,